“Let’s catch up”
Are you that person who keeps telling people that, knowing fully well you’re never, ever, ever, going to do it?
Because that’s me. And while I hate it, I just can’t stop myself from saying it. I’m basically Chandler Bing—“We should do this again!”
Recently, I ran into a very old friend of mine randomly at a restaurant. Knew her back in my early thirties; she was technically a friend’s friend, but, man, I was really fond of her. We’re obviously Facebook and Instagram friends. We even spent a few years liking and commenting on each other’s posts. Then, it stopped.
We lost touch in the way people do now. Silently, digitally, politely.
Weirdly enough, I’d thought of her a few days before we met, wondering what she was up to in life. So when I met her, I was so happy. Like soul deep, happy to see her. And she was on a date with someone whom I also knew in passing, a lovely boy, so I was even more happy for her.
In the ten minutes that we chatted, I must have told her at least 4-5 times: ‘We have to meet while you’re here. We have to catch up.” With full eye contact. With conviction.
Even though I knew we wouldn’t.
Like, I knew it.
But I couldn’t stop my mouth from forming those words. They came tumbling out. Smooth. Rehearsed. Automatic.
Another friend, we used to live in the same building, and weren’t close-close. But we hung out with these other two women, who I am close to. We would drink wine and gossip about the other families in the building.
Now, even though we weren’t close friends, we had a lot in common: social anxiety, being introverts, and a shared addiction to K-dramas. We mostly communicated via memes on Instagram.
She moved out a year and a half ago and had a baby. I went to her baby shower, met the little one when he was born, and later attended his first birthday party. But that was it. We drifted.
Lately, I’ve felt bad. I haven’t seen her in forever. Haven’t seen her baby grow up. So I messaged her: “Let’s catch up.”
We picked a Friday.
My son fell mildly sick. Not terribly. Just a stomach bug. I could’ve just as easily left him with the husband and gone. But I didn’t. I stayed home.
Why didn’t I go?
I’ve lost two close friendships over the last few years, and maybe that should tell me something. Honestly, I don’t think I’m a terrible friend.
I may not be a very available one.
I am loyal. I will show up at 1 a.m. if you’re in trouble. I’ll pick up your call if you’re crying, even if I’m crying too. But if you just want to meet? For coffee? To chat?
I might disappear…
Not because I don’t love you, but because — I don’t know.
Also, let’s be real— I don’t think I’m alone in this. I know everyone I cancel on is waiting for me to cancel that plan.
So what is it that makes us like this? What makes us say “Let’s catch up” but then don’t?
I miss them: To begin with, I realised when I said to them, let’s catch up, it was really my heart just saying ‘I Miss You’. I want to spend more time with you and find out how you are. I want to know about your job, your baby, your husband, your dog, and your parents. I just don’t have it in me to schedule an actual meeting because of my work, my kid, my husband, my dog.
The emotional effort is way easier than the practical one: Saying ‘Let’s catch up’ versus actually making a concrete plan to meet someone is a lot less work. It shows you want to connect, but it gives you an out to actually not (This point is certified by introverts everywhere)
I’m exhausted: I really want to meet everyone, I truly do. I genuinely through the week look forward to the plans I make for the weekend— till the weekend comes and then I just want to pass the fuck out. The very idea of going out and talking— ugh.
It keeps the doors of friendship open without really committing: I think this holds true for everyone. It’s like that age-old phrase, no? “Invite me, but don’t expect me to come— but like, invite me.” “Let’s catch up” is basically code for “I love you and I miss you and I think about you, but in all likelihood, I’ll see you soon, someday, one day”
Does this make me fake? Does this make my relationships and friendships superficial?
I don’t think so.
I think it just makes me human.
But if it does, I think there are a lot of us out there—fake in the same warm, worn-out, deeply human way.
Adult friendships are hard.
Adulting is hard, but keeping friendships going, stoking that fire and keeping it alive is extremely hard. Not all friendships— some are forged for life. Nah, I’m talking about those small connections you make, the ones that feel like everything for that short period, and then they fizzle out. Not, like I said, because of any drama or fight, they just phase out.
I’ll probably say “Let’s catch up” a hundred more times in my life.
And I’ll mean it, every single time.
And maybe I’ll follow through once in a while, in a burst of energy and well-aligned calendars.
But mostly, I’ll say “Let’s catch up” and hope you feel the love, the warmth, the connection I am sending out with those words.
A little reminder that I’m still here, still thinking of you,
I’m just currently horizontal, under a blanket, with zero social battery left.
We’re all doing our best at life, and at maintaining friendships— sometimes ‘the best’ may come out in the form of a single hug emoji, a week after you’ve sent me a message!